8.13.10

Last night I dreamed that Nik and I still had our bags packed from going to my mom's and were waiting with about 20 other people in a room. We were going to be taken someplace and have to go on a cruise ship to get there. I don't know where the where was but we were told that everything we needed would be provided for us once we got there.


Soon a woman arrived carrying a tray of tiny mints. She said each person was to take one mint and Nik was nearest to her and took one and put it in his mouth before I could stop him. It dissolved immediately in his mouth, he fell instantly to sleep. Men started coming in and carrying out the sleeping people. They had taken Nik before I could get to him. Person after person took a mint and fell away, even after seeing what was happening and knowing it would happen to them.


Finally they came to me with a mint and I refused. It had happened so quickly that I hadn't time to make a plan to get to Nik and I considered taking the mint just to get to him. But I refused and fought them. I was able to get away and somehow get home but once home I felt horrified that I hadn't just taken the mint and then figured out what to do.


I decided to grab my bags and get to the place the cruise ship was, board the ship by any means necessary and retrieve Nik. But when i started to gather my bags i realized everything was unpacked and in disarray, I wasn't dressed and couldn't even find appropriate clothing to wear. I ended up wearing some fancy skirt and top I had never seen before with no shoes and went on foot to find my son and find out what was going on.


On the way I was joined by two other people but I don't recall much about it. The last things I do remember about the dream was that I decided what the hell, if they provide everything we'll need I will just give up and give in and go live there.


The dream didn't leave me feeling anything except that it was of importance.




I have not dreamed much lately. I go to bed exhausted and wake exhausted and move through the day like a zombie. We were gone 5 days and slept and lived in the car for much of that. Nik did well considering he's never had to live that way before.


I returned home with much less than I left with. I feel broken, sad, let down, betrayed, hurt, sick, weary, alone ... I came home without my mom. I couldn't afford her funeral expenses and there is no help from anywhere.


We are both sunburned, windburned, have heat rashes and suffering mild heat exhaustion. We don't have airconditioning in the blazer and wouldn't have afforded if I did.

I don't think any of that would have mattered much to me had I been able to bring my mom home. She wants to be sprinkled over the water. Well



Our goats are all sick because I took in a goat before we left which appeared very healthy and I was assured she was very healthy but turns out she wasn't at all healthy and is contagious. I'm treating them all and all are doing well except our beloved Anya. She isn't well at all.


There have been and are other bad things too, as if the ground opened up and spewed out a volcano of negativity all over us.


Things are as they are and I will figure them out and deal with them as I can. That is the way things work.