Wild Moon Cottage is a small working homestead in the pristine Ozark Mountains. We have dairy goats, poultry, organic herb and vegetable gardens, a start of a tiny fruit orchard, several black walnut trees, wild berries and fields of wildcrafting goodness. We raise our own milk, our own eggs, much of our own medicine and food. I do laundry by hand, make my own vinegar, candles, soap, bread, cheese ........ For a living I am an artist and herbalist. My goal for myself and our homestead is to be as self sufficient and self sustaining as possible.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

12.30.08 Dreams, Stories & 1's

last night before bed I looked at the clock as I was turning out the light and it was 11:11

this morning when I got online I had 111 emails. During the day I read some deleted some and received more. The number went up and down but just now there are exactly 111 emails again.

This morning I had a very disturbing dream that left me shaken when I woke from it. I dreamed that I was finally telling my story. My whole life in a series of small stories, memoirs I guess. That's the way I've always remembered things, each memory a complete little story in which I can feel, taste, and hear everything just as it was when it happened.

I had been thinking last night how I might write my stories without hurting anyone. If I tell the truth, which is what I so want to do, people will surely be hurt. Our family is very small and there would be no mistaking who I was referring to if I said my brother, because there's only one. Not that my brother has done anything to terrible, I've only met him once. He's just a misguided, rude ass and was probably raised by aliens, but nothing to be humiliated over.

Anyway, the dream ...

I dreamed that I was telling these two men, a friend and a doctor of some sort. The doctor was going to help me write my book and the friend was just there as my friend. I started telling my stories but I could see right away that the man didn't believe me so I called my younger sister to come a verify things. When she arrived the doctor roughly pushed me from the room and locked the door with her inside. I beat on the door and tried to knock it down, I was afraid they would hurt her. Then I heard them talking and the doctor was telling her that some family members with power and money would destroy her. The door opened and she ran past me crying. The doctor tried to get me to come back in but I refused and started to leave. Then he and my friend grabbed me and said they knew I had made everything up and I was sick and must be locked up for my own good. I saw Star standing outside the door and was afraid she would try to protect me and they would hurt her. I screamed for her to run home. Then I woke.

I felt so hurt and so betrayed even in wakefulness. At some point in the dream I realized that my friend had only pretended to be my friend and it had all been set up to keep me from telling my stories.

My stories would hurt some people a lot but they aren't that bad.

Who knows.

No worries tho, The day is filled with sunshine and I have things to do :)


Jj Starwalker said...

It sounds to me like you really really need to write them, but maybe not make them public, at least not for a very long time.

Or write them as fiction... under a pen name perhaps?

Or maybe, just maybe, you share a trait with my K and are a wee bit too concerned about hurting folks. Perhaps they would not be hurt as badly as you think (this I know to be the case quite often with K, because some of the things he thought would hurt me weren't even a blip on the radar, so to speak.) for whatever reason.

Many things are written as truth that are, in truth, as much fiction as not... and vice versa... so perhaps in there lies a thread you can use.

oldcrow61 said...

Juli, I agree with Jj, I think you need to write your stories.

Granny Sue said...

Write and decide what you want to do with them after you see what it is you have written, Juli. I have a feeling many people would be interested in what you have to say, but it is your decision and your life. Your dream would have upset anyone; when I have bed dreams or recurring dreams I make myself go back to sleep and give the dream a good ending. It stops the recurring dreams and removes the power from the bad dreams. My granddaughters do the same thing now.

TheresaJ said...

Wow, the numbers thing is just crazy!

As for your dreams, I used to keep a dream journal, but I rarely remember them now and haven't kept one for years. I really think it's a discipline to remember your dreams, but if you're mindful, you can. I really only seem to remember the ones that are disturbing these days, probably because they stay with me longer.

I've read about many different ways to interpret dreams, but the way that spoke to me the most suggested that everyone in the dream was really you. You just used that person in the dream to express a specific emotion or feeling that needed to be expressed or to work out an inner conflict. The decision to write or not write your stories is obviously something that has you conflicted. I think the above advice is good -- go ahead and write them, maybe just for you for now, or share them via a pen name -- which would avoid the possible discomfort of hurting others but still satisfy your need to put them on paper.

fly tie said...

wow. dreams can be so powerful. even though i do have a little understanding of how they work in relation to my mind, many of my own still leave me in total amazement.

as far as writing your stories, i believe when you *feel* it's time to write them--when you can't stand to not do it anymore--then they'll be written. and that'll be the right time.