Wild Moon Cottage is a small working homestead in the pristine Ozark Mountains. We have dairy goats, poultry, organic herb and vegetable gardens, a start of a tiny fruit orchard, several black walnut trees, wild berries and fields of wildcrafting goodness. We raise our own milk, our own eggs, much of our own medicine and food. I do laundry by hand, make my own vinegar, candles, soap, bread, cheese ........ For a living I am an artist and herbalist. My goal for myself and our homestead is to be as self sufficient and self sustaining as possible.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Homemade Yogurt #3

Attempt # 337

Subject's cold pale body lay unmoving on the hard sterile steel before me. I felt no shame as I prepared subject for transformation, altering life, changing reality.

I prepared secondary life form for insertion into subject, just as I have done so many (twice) times before. All the while I could hear my colleague's scoffing laughter ringing in my ears. Laugh at me, will they? With their steely eyes and sharp vicious beaks. I'll show them, I'll show the entire world!!

But for now, back to the task at hand.

I pulled up a stool (a safe distance from said experiment) so that my laterally challenged assistant, Pyewacket, could better help me. After making sure that both he, and his thumbs, were a safe helping distance away, I began to work.

I warmed subject as in first attempt, all those hours ago. But this time I had chosen my subject more carefully, a smaller experiment, not unlike failed attempt # 278.

Subject's temperature began to rise. First only a degree or two, but soon it was an astounding 180 deg.. I dared hope, but no, I mustn't.

I removed subject from heat source and submerged into icy cold water. Keeping check of pulse and temperature all the while. Temperature lowered so slowly. Why wouldn't drop faster ? Was the heat to high, had I raised the temperature to quickly ? Why damnit, why!?!

Wait, I must compose myself, get a grip ol chap. There's still time, this may still work. I mustn't hope and yet, I mustn't allow myself to fall into a pit of deep despair where all is lost.

Finally, subjects temperature dropped to an appropriate 120 deg. Anything above or below might kill hard found secondary life form.

Insertion of secondary life form complete. All went well and both the subject and introduced life form seem to integrate with ease. A quick whisk of the internal workings of both and I could no longer tell one from the other.

But, success is not at hand yet. I turned my back for but a moment, to prepare the jar and lid which the newly created being will reside in for the next week. When I turned back ... Ye Gods! I could not believe what I was seeing! Could this atrocity be taking shape in my own laboratory ? Was my own faithful assistant just actually trying to lick the subject!?! Yes, it was vile but true. I had to admit it, I could not shut it away, could no longer deny it. I had, had my suspicions for some time now. Little clues here and there, had I only put them together sooner. A hair, a hairball, a white whisker left alluringly on my slipper. Yes, I could no longer pretend not to see. My faithful assistant is a cat, thumbs and all.

Assistant swatted to the floor, I continued working with feverish pitch. New life form safely placed in jar cocoon with lid tightly in place. Entire system then lowered carefully into very warm water bath, where it will incubate over the next 3 hours.

Will it be a success? Or will all my years of hard work be for not? It will come down to density. The subjects density will be the only telling. Will subject turn out weak and languid like prior attempts? Or will I have finally, finally succeeded in my only calling, To create a new life form which is both thick and tasty?!?

Only time will tell ...

Times up, experiment failed. I now have 6 quarts of runny yogurt in the fridge *~*


el vigilante said...

Freeze it -- make yogurt-cicles. Or maybe a frozen pie? Last resort, get a straw. Lol.

dreamofasmile said...

Could you try straining it and making some Greek-style yogurt and use the whey for... buttermilk pancakes? Donno if whey would work like buttermilk...