Wild Moon Cottage is a small working homestead in the pristine Ozark Mountains. We have dairy goats, poultry, organic herb and vegetable gardens, a start of a tiny fruit orchard, several black walnut trees, wild berries and fields of wildcrafting goodness. We raise our own milk, our own eggs, much of our own medicine and food. I do laundry by hand, make my own vinegar, candles, soap, bread, cheese ........ For a living I am an artist and herbalist. My goal for myself and our homestead is to be as self sufficient and self sustaining as possible.

Friday, September 17, 2010

9.17.10 Lovers & Time

Last night I dreamed of an old lover. Or, more aptly, one of only two true loves of my life. I have not really thought about him recently tho there are times...

I have loved many in my life but I have only truly been in love twice. Both times ended very badly, both times were when I was 16 to 17, both when I lived in the Keys. Kevin was the first and a Soldier was the second. Kevin left me for my best friend. The Soldier simply left.

Funny how a thing can make your heart skip a beat with joy and hurt so badly at the same time.

I met Kevin when I was 16, I think he was 20. I fell in love instantly. He was in love with my best friend but she had no interest in him. I pursued him a bit (which I've never been good at) but then gave up and just became his friend. (It was during this time that i met the Soldier). About a year later, things changed. I loved Kevin so much. We had great fun together, helped each other through some bad parts, worshipped one another often and talked about the future.

Then one day he took a trip with my best friend and her family. When he returned he told me he was leaving me because he had slept with my best friend. I forgave both right away but he said he couldn't forgive himself and left me.

I didn't see him again for a year or so and when I did, he looked sad, dirty and worn out. I tried to befriend him, I was still deeply in love with him. I only saw him a few times and then never again.

In the dream I chanced upon him on a street somewhere. An unpleasant street with unpleasant things all around. He was drunken, scraggly and a bit broken. I took him to a room and cleaned him up, fed him, talked to him and loved him. I remember the feel of his cheek against the palm of my hand. He said he wanted to stay this time, said other things that made me cry and yet somehow made me happy too. Then we both fell asleep. I woke in the dream and found him gone. I knew he had gone back to that unpleasant street. I wanted to go after him and planned to do so but then I woke for real. My pillow was damp and I had a hollowness in my stomach.

I have spent the day pushing him from my mind. My heart hurts a bit already, wounds should be allowed to heal. But then the memories keep finding an open window, like little moths to a nightlight.

I met my other great love when he had just been discharged from the military and had only been back in the US for a few months. I met him through his younger brother, who was dating my friend. I had never thought about how most men treated me unless they treated me overly cruelly, which thankfully didn't happen a whole lot. But the Soldier treated me differently than I had ever been treated by anyone in my life. He treated me like a princess, like a precious gem, like I was the most valuable thing in the world to him. I think it took all of 10 minutes to fall in love.

I think he really did love me too. I think Kevin cared about me and may have even loved me a bit but I think the Soldier was in love with me, almost as much as I was in love with him.

We were not together long but the time we were was wonderful. And yet there was always something else there too. Some evil thing lurking at the edge of every moment. His brother had told us that something had happened to the Soldier while he was deployed, he didn't know or wouldn't say what, but it was something terrible. Terrible for the Soldier at least.

Sometimes I would wake and he would be staring at the ceiling, with an odd look on his face. I would ask if he were ok but he didn't seem to be there and couldn't hear me. Sometimes he would wake up covered in sweat and breathing hard, his eyes vacant and haunted.

We dated a little while and then he rented a cabin and I moved in with him. I didn't move all my stuff, just a large bag. All he had was his large duffle bag so it seemed like we should just start with that. I was only there for a week or so, we got a long very well. He was quiet but very loving, very kind and gentle. I had wanted to be loved my whole life so that was more than enough for me.

One day, shortly after he went to work, my mother showed up. She said he had called her and asked that she come and get me. I went ahead and packed my bag and went. I didn't understand why and I was very upset. At first I said no and intended to stay until he got home. If he wanted me to leave he would have to tell me himself. But my mother said if he needed time I should give it to him and I did so love him and want him to be happy.

That night he left me. He left everyone.

Altho I was with Kevin longer, it is the Soldier that lingers most. Wisps of spirit intertwined with my entire being. He almost loved me enough.

Sometimes, when the wind blows softly across my face ...


lunamother said...

oh, Juli- that's heart achingly beautiful. those 2 young men were so very lucky to have you in their lives.

Granny Sue said...

That's heartbreaking, Juli, and so touching.